


Dysfunctional Love

by ElmireDolores (ElmiDol)



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Dysfunctional Relationship, F/M, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:34:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29470275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElmiDol/pseuds/ElmireDolores
Summary: Wherein you tell Adam that you are breaking up with him...because you've fallen for the Millennium Earl.[Originally posted 2013-2014]
Relationships: Sennen Hakushaku | Millennium Earl/Reader
Kudos: 2





	1. Conundrum

Conundrum

You sighed heavily for what seemed like the fourteenth time in the past hour. Your eyes would slide over to your boyfriend of three months then you would find yourself wincing. How were you supposed to break the news to him? It was awkward enough... And you knew how emotional the man was. Swallowing, you averted your gaze once more from the brown-eyed man who had rested his head in your lap. The two of you were sitting together on the couch. Or, to be completely technical, you were sitting and he was laying with his head on your legs.

"A-Adam," you said, your voice cracking. He turned onto his back, looking up at you with utter devotion. That was just perfect--you felt all the more like crap. "Uhm...I think... There's this other guy, and..."

"Are....you're breaking up with me?" Tears had already sprung up to his eyes. He looked a great mixture of anger and hurt. As though he could kill someone horribly then in the next breath break down sobbing. "Do I know this other man?" He practically spat out the words, as though they were venomous.

Adam had sat up and was glaring at you. You deserved that much, you supposed. "I don't...believe so. He's a rather queer fellow. I met him a few times by chance." His brown eyes narrowed further. He nodded, urging you to go on. Suddenly you were worried he really _would_ go out and murder the man. Overly-obsessed much? "He has a rather round figure, wears the most adorable top-hats... He has glasses... Strange, pointy ears. A really large grin, and--"

"The EARL!?" Adam spluttered out. You blinked, nodding. Huh. So Adam _did_ know the man. "I..." His cheeks heated up further. "You're breaking up with me...for the Earl?"

The laughter in his voice definitely confused you. You knit your brow. Adam stood, taking a step back. You gawked as a strange yet familiar skin enveloped him. Hoo crap. Holy fuck. You had just dumped your boyfriend...for your boyfriend. Did that even make any sense?

"Uhm..."

"Are we still breaking up~?" His creaky voice was cheerful, gloating. Your cheeks were red. How the hell were you supposed to even respond?


	2. Retribution

Retribution

His gloating attitude persisted for days. The man was incorrigible, really. You blushed each and every time he caught you looking at him--be it in his Millennium Earl or human form. Now that you knew of his true identity, he hardly kept it a secret what his line of business was. Suddenly his sluggishness was explained. The man was always tired from his travels and work. He would often nap at your house or space out during make-out sessions. From time to time you had managed to coax him into sex rather than taking naps and cuddling. Sometimes you felt like the man of the relationship--perhaps _that_ was what had drawn you to the Millennium Earl instead of Adam. Er, granted they _were_ the same person.

You strolled into the kitchen in time to see the man put a spoon into his bowl. It was filled with ice cream, peanut butter, sprinkles, marshmallows, chocolate syrup and crumbled oreos. Oh, and a chopped up banana. You quirked a brow as your boyfriend cupped his bowl, smiling fondly at it. He sighed contentedly.

"No one can please me as much as you." You started to smile then felt your heart plummet. He was speaking to the bite of gooeyness on his spoon. He slipped it into his mouth, moaning. It was then that he noticed you there. "Ah, (y/n). Good morning~"

"Good morning," you returned. You gestured towards the ice cream. "No one, huh?"

"Nope~"

Your throat felt thick. "Not even...me?"

Adam inspected his spoon, dipping it into the bowl for another bite. "I'm disappionted that I have to tell you in this way."

"Huh?" Your heart was pounding in your chest, in your ears. 

"There is a new delight in my life." Your heart skipped a beat. "Peanut butter. In ice cream. It pleases me like nothing else."

"Not even me?" you repeated.

"Not even you~"

You grit your teeth, biting back tears. You whipped around, calling over your shoulder, "Well have fun _fucking_ it then!"

Adam winced, hurriedly placing the bowl and spoon onto the counter and rushing after you. "It was a joke, (y/n)! A joke! The peanut butter in ice cream doesn't--"

"Use your hand then!" You slammed the door to your bedroom in his face. The Millennium Earl sighed. He shifted into his Noah skin, knocking softly. "No!"

"I was simply giving you a hand time over our previous 'break up'," he said in his creaky voice.

"Well, why don't you get over our current one?" You were curled into a ball on your bed, trying to stop the tears from coming. You had never felt so humiliated! "You can start by getting out of my house!"

"But...Adam already left~" Sniffling and blushing, you scooted off the bed and walked back to the door. You glared at him through your tears. The Earl brushed aside one of your tears with his thumb. "While you and Adam take a break from one another, why don't I entertain you~?"

"I'm not...peanut butter," you said, choking on a sob.

His mouth twitched. "I can spread some on you~" If this was his way of cheering you up...it was, annoyingly, working.

"With a spoon....I don't trust you putting a knife anywhere near my body."


	3. Shunned

Shunned

You had not meant to insult him, not at all. Unfortunately for you, you had also not expected him to be home so early. Adam had previously told you that he would be out doing business while in Earl form. And so, being horny and alone, you had decided to masturbate. This would have gone over smoothly if it wasn't for the fact that you were picturing him in Earl form. That led you to shoving a pillow up your shirt and admiring yourself in the mirror. You didn't look half bad with the extra 'weight' on your belly. You had run your hands down your ass, cupping it and rocking from side to side. Needless to say, you never got back to masturbating.

Throughout the entire day you had kept the pillow shoved up your shirt. And that was how it happened. Adam came home early, bursting into your apartment only to stop dead. He stared at the pillow under your shirt, eyeing it warily. 

"Are you pretending to be pregnant?" he asked in a guarded voice.

"No~" you sing-songed. 

Adam narrowed his eyes further, his suspicion mounting. "Are you really pregnant?" The way his voice cracked had you snorting then laughing.

"No~" You rolled your eyes at him, placed your hands on the fake stomach, and sighed dreamily. "I was imagining what it must be like to be you...in Earl form."

His face reddened: "I am _not_ fat!"

It had been four hours since he had shouted that. Four hours of silence from him. He would not so much as look at you. The man would have left your apartment if you hadn't thrown yourself against the door and windows each time he tried to escape. That found him on the couch, his arms crossing over his chest and his eyes narrowed as he glowered at your far wall. You had _still_ not removed the pillow, which perhaps was making things worse. However, it was just so nice to have a pillowy tummy. It made you want to hug yourself nonstop--how did he survive his huggableness!?

Unable to contain your joy any longer, you latched onto Adam, who attempted to immediately wiggle free. You pouted, whining at him. The man ignored you--that is, until you started to go into detail over how you had come to stuff the pillow up your shirt.

"And I always use a popsicle when masturbating. I pretend it's your cock in my mouth, then I'm touching myself, right?" He had stilled underneath you. His cheeks were reddening. "So I was sucking on the popsicle then started thinking about how fun it was when you were in Millennium form. The popsicle's not thick enough even for your human-form cock, but it's still easier to pretend. It ended up melting, but I grabbed up a pillow and... You know what, you should be flattered that I want to be like you! You're so fucking adorable, stop pouting!"

"...youshouldgetanotherpopsicle."

"Huh?" He repeated his statement, this time slowly. You bit down on your bottom lip, your arousal flaring. Leaving his side for quick moment, you ran to the freezer, grabbed out a popsicle, and hurried back to him. He had already undone the front of his pants, his hand working at his cock.

Adam snatched up the popsicle from you, unwrapping it as you took off your bottoms. You started to remove the pillow, only to stop on his command. A large grin filled up the majority of your face. Adam tossed aside the trash then pressed the tip of the frozen treat to your lips. You, as sexily as you could, ran your tongue along it, slowly working your mouth over its length. He hissed in appreciation as you deep-throated the popsicle in unison to impaling yourself on his hardened member. You both moaned.

Adam proceeded to make up for shunning you the entire afternoon.


	4. Compromises

Compromises

He had moved his toothbrush into your place, and so you had moved yours into his. The next time the two of you visited the other, those respective toothbrushes were in the trash. Thus neither of you were talking to the other. Adam insisted that one of his family members had thrown away your toothbrush after you had informed him of the reasoning behind his being missing: you had accidentally sprayed it with cleaner, having forgotten he had placed it on the back of the bathroom counter rather than in the toothbrush holder. You had then insulted him, calling him a liar. That had been two days ago.

You dipped your fork into the cake. You had purchased it from a shop, and now it was already a fourth of the way gone. Luckily it was only a small circle cake. And by small, it was supposed to feed roughly six to eight people.

Sniffling, you ignored it when a key was inserted into the lock. You silently swore in your head, wishing you had changed the locks when you'd had the chance. The Earl of Millennium came over to you. In your peripheral vision, you could see that his hat was toothbrush and toothpaste themed. A bit of dental floss as well. You stabbed the cake again, taking another bite. Now it was a third of the way gone.

The Earl's ears drooped. Usually when you and Adam fought, you would still allow his Noah side to comfort you. Right now however you were ignoring him rather diligently. He slumped over to your bathroom. You could hear the tell-tale signs that he was putting a new toothbrush into your toothbrush holder. You glowered, taking another bite. When he came out of the bathroom, he snatched the cake out of your hand and set it on the table. The man could not resist the urge to swipe a bit of frosting and tasting it. He then returned to you.

"I bought you a new toothbrush~ It's already in the holder at my home."

You raised your eyes to his face, narrowing them. "I--"

His ears twitched. "Technically speaking, Road _did_ throw it away~"

"Under your orders?" you asked bitterly.

"Well.... I was ...not....crying..."

"You were holding my toothbrush, crying, and she took it from you and threw it away when you blubbered out why you were upset?" His eyes narrowed, his cheeks heated up, and his ears drooped the slightest bit. You huffed. "Fine, I forgive you. Now get me my cake back."

"Only if you share~"

You rolled your eyes. "Oh, fine."


	5. Public

Public

The fact was: he _never_ went shopping with you. When it came to you buying fancy clothes with his money, he would give you the cash then let you go on your merry way. The fact that you were not upper class often left you in uncomfortable positions. Sales clerks giving you dirty looks. Some women and men refusing to let you into their shops. Others verbally insulting you with puns or comments with double-meanings. The very first time this had happened, you had come to him in tears. He had patted you on the back, muttered out words of encouragement, yet somehow had still remained rather...distant.

You now understood that distance to be due to his exhaustion after a busy day as the Millennium Earl. Still....it stung. Whenever he acted this way, you felt as though you were some prostitute he was renting.

That thought brought you back to the present.

You slammed the cash onto the table in front of Adam. He blinked, glancing over at the wad. His attention torn away from the newspaper--the front story concerning war and famine--the Noah patriarch frowned. His eyes slid up to you. You were running your hands through your hair and sniffling. The tears had long since dried up. You wished for _once_ he would back you up. Come with you. Was he embarrassed to be seen with you in public? After all, the majority of the dates you had with him weren't public affairs. Dark or back rooms when they were.

In truth, that was one of the reasons you had initially fallen for the Millennium Earl. The prospect of such an open individual... You had pictured yourself being whisked away by him and taken on fabulous dates. Even simple ones. Just so long as...

"What's wrong?" Adam said, his voice cutting into your thoughts. "Was there nothing to your li--oh. (Y/n)."

"Just...shut up." Your voice creaked towards the end. You wrinkled your nose, your upper lip curling as you turned from him and headed for the couch.

The rustling of paper echoed behind you. Duke Millennium folded up the newspaper, his eyes trained on your back. He followed you over to the couch, where you had curled up and pulled a blanket over your entire frame. His hands dove under the covers, groping every bit of flesh he could find. You squirmed, protesting with whimpers and stifled sobs. The man hummed softly, his hands relaxing once they found your hips. He pulled you onto his lap, allowing you to curl up so that your head was against his chest.

"I have to limit the exposure... Central is always watching. They would try to take you away~"

"In the meantime," you hissed between grit teeth, "we might as well _not_ have a relationship."

"..." He sniffled. For once, you found yourself unaffected by his tears. You pulled the blanket off of your head and full-on glared at him. What right did he have to be upset? He was the one refusing to be seen with you! The one allowing you to be treated like crap. And for what? "Don't say that..." He sounded so pathetic.

You huffed, averting your attention. "Adam..." You were curling and uncurling your fingers against the material of his shirt. "I know all about your family...so...if you want to put akuma nearby... We shouldn't have to ...why can't we be an actual couple?"

"An actual couple?" he repeated, cocking his head to the side. You faced him once more. "But we are.... We have things in one another's places. We date--"

"Hardly." He winced at your words. "And that's just it. Let's...take me on a _real_ date. It's not like I'm being reckless or stupid. I'm not going to have you take me into battle or places you know are absolutely dangerous. But--"

"I understand, (y/n)," he said softly, pulling you closer and burying his nose into your hair. "Now... Who made you cry this time~?"

"You'll tell them off?"

"Mm~"

"In person?"

"We're going to get you everything you want today--togther~"

"I love you, Adam."

"I'm so happy to hear~" He chirped before claiming your mouth with his. "I love you too." His breath was hot against your lips. You couldn't help but smile, the weight of disappointment and sorrow having been lifted by all his affection.


	6. Routine

Routine

"That's it!" you shouted loudly, stomping your foot against the ground. "We're finished! Done! I'm breaking up with you!"

Your declaration was punctuated by your slamming the bedroom door in Adam's face. Said man glowered at the wooden object then headed for the living room. He plopped down on the couch, running a hand over his chin stubble. Tyki shyly peeked up from the paper he was reading then returned his gaze back to its proper place. The Noah of Pleasure listened as his family head sat back against the couch, assuming a more reclined position. 

Road wandered into the room. She glanced first at the door behind which you had disappeared and then at the Earl of Millennium. "Did you guys break up again?"

"Hmm?"

"You do it at least once every other week."

"Oh...yes... Well...the make up sex is great."

"...Earl!" both Tyki and Road said. "You can't make her upset just for the make up sex!"

"..." Duke Millennium grunted. He thrust himself up into a standing position then headed back towards the door. He was rather thankful this time the breakup had occurred in your apartment rather than his larger home. It was a good thing indeed that the family dinner had been planned at your place for this night.

~

He did not so much as knock, which threw you off. One moment you were squeezing the life out of a pillow and the next you were releasing a startled scream at the sound of your doorknob shattering. Adam walked into the room. You glowered at him as he crossed the room and arrived in front of you.

"What do _you_ want?" you demanded with distaste.

Adam hummed in response, cocking his head to the side. He rubbed the back of his neck, averting his gaze in an annoyingly cute way. "(Y/n)..."

"What?" you snapped, a little less harsh. A light hint of blush had risen in your cheeks.

"Is there a way... They said not to upset you simply for the make up sex."

"The...the what?"

"The rough sex... Is there a way to--"

"Wait! Hold up!" You had tossed your pillow off to the side, standing so that your toes were nearly touching his. "You mean...all these times...for... What the _hell_ is wrong with you!?"

"Ah, (y/n), please don't be..." He paused, released a thoughtful hum, and then shoved you roughly to the bed. Your following protest was muffled by his mouth crashing onto yours.

You whipped your head to the side, breaking contact. "Why do I put up with you?"

"Hmm...for this~" You gasped, his lightning fast hands having rid you of your bottoms and his mouth tackling your more intimate regions. He blew against you, his tongue swiping up again. "So~"

"Yes, we can have rough sex...although... I should make you sleep on the couch."

"That's fine~" You quirked a brow. "The sheets will be messy anyhow~"

And so ended yet another of your routine breakups with the man.


End file.
